with Larra Jones and Jim Carey

18 Steps to Becoming the Perfect Husband

MightyMouse1When I started this list there were only three items. But now that I’ve been married for seven months I’ve found, upon advice from my wife, that there are a few more that I was missing.

Because I love Larra so much, and I want this relationship to succeed, I heed her desires. Larra is my 7th wife, and I’m too old to shop around anymore.

Here is the list I currently live by. The first 10 are mine; the rest have been suggested by Larra (LOL):

  1. Make her laugh.
  2. Remember her birthday. [May 12]
  3. Remember your anniversary. [December 22]
  4. Shave every day. Showering is important, too, but not as much as shaving.
  5. Never run out of wine. Memorize her favorite, and get the gallon bottle at Costco.
  6. Call her sweetie, honey pie, baby doll, or whatever… That way you’ll never call her by your ex’s name.
  7. Scrub the commode, no matter who soiled it.
  8. Make the bed. She’ll be silently grateful.
  9. Memorize her standard Tim Horton (or Starbuck’s, or McDonald’s) breakfast order. Surprise her with it once in a while.
  10. Tell her you love her. Every day. Ask her, “Are you happy?” Every day. Mean it.
  11. Don’t talk about your ex. Sure, you both have a past, but keep the conversation on the most general of levels. Never tell her about how great the morning blow jobs were with xxxxx.
  12. When you’re feeling snarky, stop and eat. If she’s getting snarky, feed her. [Definition of Snarky]
  13. When she complains about something, or suggests you do something different, don’t take it personally. Just do it, without comment or bad feelings. Let it roll off your back like water off a duck.
  14. Listen to her stories. No solutions are necessary, no suggestions, just listen. She only wants a sympathetic ear.
  15. If you’re going to eat onions, unusual food, smoke cigars or drink moonshine, keep bottles of mouthwash in the bathroom, beside the bed, and in the car. Eat lots of mints, too.
  16. If you’re out with the boys and smoke cigars, strip naked on the front porch before going in the house, and then shower immediately. Don’t forget to brush your teeth and use mouthwash.
  17. Take her out on a “date night” at least once a month. Weekly is better. Do it right and you’ll get lucky.
  18. When in doubt, the best phrases to use are “Yes, dear,” No, dear,” and “Anything you say, dear.” This should probably be #1 in your repertoire.

Do these things and you can forget the name of her dog, the names of her parents, even her kid’s names, and all will be well.

Women have emailed and said, “Those are great suggestions, Jim, but how do I get my husband to read your list?” My answer is that you should print this page, cut the suggestions into strips, and tape them up on the bathroom mirror, the windshield of the car, in the shed, on his beer, on the lawnmower, on his computer screen, on his cell phone, on the TV remote, on his pool queue, on his bowling ball, in his shoes, etc. Repeat as needed.

Oh… Hiawatha Cromer gave me a relationship to-do list while we were at the Wellness Center in Eaton Rapids. Once I locate it, there will be some additions.

One more thing, guys; this should always be your motto:

  • Jim
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3 Responses so far.

  1. Sandy Rich says:

    28 years I have been married and my husband has me trained to do what you suggest !!! and if he is ever wrong he flips the script on me to make me think it’s all my fault or error. It took me years to understand him but now that I do.. I just let what ever he says or does that pisses me off just roll off my back.. I use to always have to have the last word.. Now I could care less… That works well too because he doesn’t know what I might do next when I’m not talking back.

    I have one suggestion for all married people or those living together.. “Be unpredictable” being unpredictable makes your life together more exciting!

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